The Next Act: Pursuing Purpose as a Non-Traditional MLA Student

by Nicole Aguilar, MLA student

As creatures of evolution, humans are inherently inclined to grow and adapt, yet we frequently find ourselves entangled within the constraints of societal conditioning. These perceived barriers often hinder our ability to change or shift courses. I hold a firm belief that through the sharing of our stories, we illuminate paths through the darkness for others to follow. As an older student returning to the academic arena, I find it imperative to elucidate the unconventional and non-linear trajectories that weave through life's tapestry.

Act One

Lately, I've been reflecting on the profound message conveyed by the anecdote that cautions against judging a fish by its ability to climb a tree. Over time, external judgments morph into internal narratives, shaping how one perceives oneself. This parallels my academic journey. In primary and secondary school, I was considered average and often labeled as below par, particularly in subjects like math and science. Given the emphasis on mathematics in standardized tests like the SAT, it's evident that my performance was lackluster. This experience left me feeling akin to a fish attempting to climb a tree.

At that time, there was a distinct lack of guidance available to assist in choosing a career path. There was nobody to provide personalized advice, to sit down and acknowledge my strengths in literature and writing courses, suggesting avenues like philosophy or interdisciplinary programs such as liberal arts for exploration. During this period, I sought solace in art classes, where I excelled in music, theater, and writing. These classes and extracurricular activities were the sole spaces where I found relief from crippling anxiety and depression.

Outside of school, movies became my refuge, my obsession. Hours would slip away unnoticed as I got lost in cinematic worlds, escaping from the pressures and uncertainties of reality. Little did I or my family realize, that my profound love and intense fixation on cinema served as a form of dissociation—a way for me to disconnect from my surroundings and immerse myself entirely in a realm of storytelling and imagination. In the dim glow of the screen, I found temporary respite from the weight of my emotions, unaware of the deeper psychological mechanisms at play. When the time came to choose my life's path, I ultimately pursued a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in film and television.

Although my undergraduate experience was somewhat improved, I encountered familiar challenges. For instance, in cinematography classes, the incorporation of math seemed to trigger an immediate shutdown in my brain. Similarly, I struggled with retaining information in art history classes. During that period, these struggles overshadowed my proficiency in certain subjects, which I failed to recognize at the time. I excelled in theory and critical analysis classes, introductory psychology, speech

and public speaking, and documentary filmmaking. It wasn't until more than a decade later that I would connect the dots, leading me to acknowledge my intelligence and discover my true purpose.

Act Two

Hollywood is a dazzling yet daunting beast of shimmering insanity. Its depiction in popular television shows like 'Entourage' often rings true, as all art stems from reality. From the moment my plane touched down in 2009, the harsh reality of Hollywood began to stealthily chip away at my soul.

As I navigated the challenges of securing work as an on-set production assistant or in office roles, it became clear that few supervisors were willing to mentor. I endured the relentless verbal abuse as the assistant, the never-ending hours, the unpredictable feast or famine of freelance work, and the constant anxiety that one missed call on the switchboard could cost me my full-time job.

Despite these challenges, I persevered because this was my choice. This was the reality of the career I accepted and believed to be unchangeable. This conditioning persisted throughout much of my career, shaping my reality even as I transitioned into leadership roles like producer and post-manager. But there was a difference within me —I refused to pass on the same hardships to future generations in an industry plagued by suffering. However, I struggled to figure out how to enact change in a system entrenched in archaic practices, riddled with systemic flaws that had long been accepted as the norm.

In the summer of 2022, a dark night of the soul became the catalyst that guided me to the exact place where I could begin to enact the change I longed to see.

Act Three

Even in one's late 30s, there's a profound sense of healing when a parent acknowledges with compassion that you're simply not wired to thrive in an environment that consistently undermines your mental and physical well-being. This acknowledgment breaks away from the societal narrative that one must condition oneself to endure relentless suffering. This dialogue with my mom marked a pivotal step toward a new future.

Over the next year, I worked closely with a cognitive behavioral therapist who guided me in regaining control over my highly dysregulated nervous system, reshaping my perspectives, and establishing healthy boundaries at work. Releasing past versions of myself and her childhood dreams proved to be anything but easy, but as I began to experience moments of peace and calm, my path to change became clearer, allowing me to take proactive steps toward envisioning a new future.

The notion of returning to school occasionally whispered in my ear over the years, but I quickly dismissed it. What would I even study? After all, I had convinced myself that I wasn't particularly adept in academic settings and I didn't necessarily want to completely depart my industry. In the newfound stillness and clarity I had gained, I discovered what I needed to study. Recognizing the intricate interconnectedness of life, I understood that focusing on just one subject wouldn't satisfy me. Driven by my deep personal interests and aptitude for psychology, philosophy, and spirituality, I gravitated towards interdisciplinary studies within the liberal arts.

In the summer of 2023, I began the process of applying to graduate school. I chose a 'safe' school, one where I believed my academic performance would secure admission, and also applied to another institution with a stronger reputation, but still within my perceived reach. Then, I stumbled upon the Johns Hopkins MLA AAP program, and it felt like fate. The program's interdisciplinary approach and focus on social justice resonated deeply with my aspirations for a higher purpose. However, it took me several weeks to gather the courage to apply. Years of conditioning had instilled in me the belief that I lacked intelligence, especially in higher academic settings. When I finally hit 'submit' on the application, it felt like throwing a half-court shot.

Much to my surprise, I received acceptance letters from all three institutions. Without hesitation, I chose Hopkins and commenced my new journey in January of 2024, beginning with my first class, Interdisciplinary Graduate Research Methods. The transition back into academia initially felt daunting, but I soon realized that I was no longer a fish attempting to climb a tree. I was swimming... with ease. This newfound confidence stemmed from my life experiences in both work and self-discovery, as well as from embarking on a path that felt both intentional and inherently aligned with my nature.

The Next Act

With a renewed sense of purpose and drive, the Johns Hopkins MLA program provides a stable foundation for me to construct a new framework. My interdisciplinary studies are centered on delving into post-pandemic existentialism and examining the human condition within a capitalist framework, both theoretically and practically. Specifically, I am passionate about exploring social justice issues such as enhancing access to mental health resources and dismantling toxic, outdated work environments. My overarching goal is personal growth, both as an individual and as a leader, advocating for broader societal changes toward empathy, compassion, and genuine concern for the well-being of all individuals, thereby ensuring a more fulfilling human experience.

Furthermore, I aim for my story to serve as a catalyst for others, inspiring them to make essential changes in their lives and guiding them towards paths that resonate with their true selves, nurturing fulfillment, purpose, and alignment. It's crucial to acknowledge

that the journey of change is rarely straightforward; as many anecdotes suggest, the pieces often fall into place when the timing is right. What I've come to realize is that even paths we perceive as wrong can ultimately lead us to our destined place—where we need to be, where we are meant to be.